Deteriorating

Yes my health is deteriorating.

n my life is really mundane...


work home sleep

work home sleep


thats what i do mon-fri..

i dun even go out wif love often...

let alone wif my frens...


wif my bestfren... only lpak tts it...



boring... i noe...


i dunnoe..
im tinking of staying on on this job for few more mths before i find another job...


waiting for love to reply to my msg or better still his call...which i noe he wont call...

niwaes, tomorrow have work....

haiz...

oh yarh i need a new blue otton dress for nureeqa's bday.. maeb gg shopping on 30th may... have to get myself a new dress n love a new tshirt.. maeb i get him tt jacket tt he wants as well..


oh yarh i need a new phone...my samsung longkang phone is about to give way already..haiz...


will update soon i hope...

Always a bridesmaid and never a bride...

but at the end she became a bride..


will that happen to me??


ive always been there for my frens...weneva they have probs wif bf..always the matchmaker for ppl

n indirectly...i help ppl find their perfect match n tt is after they noe me and u noe wad...

but i can never find one for myself...


n freak...in 1 mths time or rather in 29 more daes... ill be 20...no more teen...haiyo...y must i get old so0o fast..alot of ppl say age is just a number
yes... but age is also ur maturity level..live up to ur age.. ppl respect u...if u dun... ppl look down on u..haiz...



anyways,looking for a perm job nw..3 more weeks till i end sch..seriously,to me it doesnt matter hw i score..as long as i graduate its fine wif me..tinking of getting a job then clear debts.. den enrol in cosmoprof or the one at far east n oso enrol for license..

oh yarh..gg to try to lose weight..like seriously..n im nt kidding... will try...
been tinking of playing soccer back..or any sports game uh... haha... i dunnoe where to start though..ahha...maeb wif jogging..ahhahaha..really nid to start to get back my stamina....


im kinda losing my appetite now..i dunnoe y... bt the weird ting is i only get hungry like late 6 pm or 7 pm
then will force myself to eat at 2 plus am or 3 am..just so0o tt i dun vomit the next morning..but i wont sleep after eating...


haha..just like todae... did nt sleep at alll
yest woke up at 10 plus..till nw... hahah... will be havg sch later at 3.30 pm... hmm.. i just want sch to be over...

anyways read up on sum stuff about the girls system.. i tink i shud go for a check up... i mean the feedback is saying tt its normal to have the pain... but till the extend tt i cant walk wen i have the pain is too extreme...

tis few daes.. ive been tinking bout him..especially after wad aisyah says... y was i so0o dumb to let go of him... n i dun tink theres any ways for me to get to him back..unless its a miracle..

been reading paula's blog.. i guess wad she quoted is kind true... i hope it i.. n i will find my way back into his arms..

hopefully..

nw suddenly, i feel tt i shud have gotten married to him tt time.. hhaa.. at least ill be stuck wif him even if it was an unplanned wedding... ahaha...dreams n hopes..


oh yarh tt day i dreamt or dreamboy again..
o dreamboy where art thou dreamboy??
hahaha

i still have no idea who he is..
is he d love of my life or is he just a guardian in my dreams to lead me to the right path in my
dreams tt can be a reality..

signing off..

Who are you???

I know i have not blogged for a long time..and i dont even know who reads my blog..or rather is there even anyone who reads my blog...

Anyways..its the new year...

but evryting is the same.. except that im a year older n tt im graduating soon..but i feel like i dun want to end school..i dunnoe i just love to be in sch..to be in a class.. MAeb my passion is for school.. haha.. i guess thats why i really want to teach..

Anyways... i udn tink i have found myself yet.. as in i still dunnoe who i am.. n tis has been gg on for a whole of 5 years..n maeb counting.. i dunnoe.... but what i noe..i hve to changed myself for the better...i hope....


Have u guys ever felt that u just hav no one to hav fun with.. cos all ur gfs have bf....n tt sumtymes to just have a guy bestfren is nt tt sufficient cos of unable to share sum stuff wif him...

i dunnoe... just that i feel really off tis few daes...haha...can u believe that sat nyte was spend wif sort of a stranger-a friend that i have never met... then bestfren hafiz picked me up from town to go to the clinic at cck..hhaha...

sun.. slept from sat nyte till sun afternn 3pm...woke up...called hidayat..den he asked me to help wash his car..but me being lazy didnt go..ended up he fetch me frm my area..talked den took a ride for no purpose to go to gmbak n sat under one of the void decks f0r 15 mins...den went to yew tee to find perfume.....

Wad the heck!!...i am alone... like seriously,, where have all my frens gone to...haha...i guess i have already eliminated a bulk of guy frens that i have... nvm..i can try to adapt to tis...hopefully..


sun-date.. turn out to be sweet even though it was unromantic still...we talked... n for the first time he hold my hands.. i could feel myself blushing..haha... i dunnoe...i mean..ppl may say that its just a small kid act... like amateur.. but i find it seet n the feeling is just...nearly perfect...hahah


Sumtymes i feel like we r together but sumtymes i feel that we r nt... which i still have no idea of what we r...

but i wish he knew how i feel wen im around hime..sutmymes i just wish that he noes bout tis blog... n that i have the courage to tell him hw i feel...

niwaes..adios amigos....sayonara...chow...adieu...au revoir.. chai chian..

will try to update soon..

i wish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8Hgp150Eno&feature=related

was listening to this..
then it strikes me...
what if??
i mean im really really close to him.. we cn even consider ourself as close frens.. as bestfren..

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh


But all of this r just my side..i mean i really dunnoe bout him.. but he did show sum stuffs yest wen we wre at the libry... hehe..
tis 2 wks was great... i had 2 meets wif him..

1st was we watch budak pantai at esplanade concert hall...it was great..i had a gd time der especially tt it was wif him..
2nd was yest.. we went to the library cos i wanted to go..hahaa...
there was just those moments that we were so0o close tt i felt all squimish n excited inside..haha..
n wen i look at him..i just felt the happiness tt i feel wen im wif my family..the warmness of it..
i dunnoe..
even if the places tt we go r nt exactly the most exciting places.. but it just gives me a happy feeling n will owaes make me smile at the end of the dae...


i dunnoe if im in love wif him or isit one of my lust moment..
1 yr soon..tts the period of time that we noe each other...

i still rmember evry single conversation...the outings that we had which was nt romantic but still wass sweet n gave me goosebumps..positive goosebumps.. haha...

i feel like telling him..but im scared that it wil ruin everything or worst wad if he only treats me as a fren...
but then ...the way he is... oh god...i dunnoe...haiz...
5 jan gg to watch sherlock holmes wif him... 1st time movie wif him... hmm



niwaes..i still have alot of probs...financially n emotionally...


n i will owaes wish for all of this

if only...

I wish i knew...
i wish tings was much more simpler..
i wish decision making was easy..
i wish love was easy...



i wish i cud tell him hw i feel for him..but everytime i want to do so.. i pull myself back.. cos im scared he does nt feel the same way as i do..
i mean there are signs.. but i might be wrong..i mean its like.. he's not that into u...
like seriously, he is just a fren who gives me advices.. but will it turn out as the same ending as he's nt that into u..??
i wish..n i shall continue on to do so...




weneva i c a couples photo,it will make me tink...y cant i have a rship like tt...i owaes wish for one... but i can only wish for it...



i miss my rship wif amirul....haiz,...

the-so-unromantic-date-but-i-love-it...

Yest was a mixture of the happiest n not so0o happy day of mine...


haisho.. basically, the dae starts wif me n my 'prangai babi' i slept like almost the whole dae...hahaha...woke up at 4.30pm.. called hidayat... den he said he nk klua n asked me out... hehehe... so0o i had to tink of sumwhere to go n dcided to buy tings for baking cakes..

our convo:
me: tapi u..i nk beli brg2 cake... den naik motor.. brg2 muat ke dlm box??
him: tklah..tk naik motor..
me: huh??? beh naik ape???
him: naik kenderaan
me: kenderaan? kenderaan? yelah kenderaan ape?
him: kenderaan 4 roda.
me: huh? u mane ade krete? eyh.. smenjak bile u ade kreta? sape punye kreta? knape ade kreta pulak?
him: sbab ade kreta.
me: ape ni..
him: jumpe di carpark umah jam 5.15pm... kite pegi ke red man jrg east ok?
me: ok.
him: bye. (hungs up)
me: bye.(saying bye to beeping sounds).....


tis is hw mundane our convo it..but still i find joy in it..hahah..n weneva izzah hears me telling her... she will go : mrepek nk krg due nie,....hahahah



haha... instead of 5.15.... he reach 5.10... haiyo...i rushed to get ready..den meet him at carpark... the car was super small..hahahha...n super low... suzuki gti.... hahha..its a 17 yrs old car..haha..im lyk 2 yrs older than the car...hahaha...
but tts better than his 23 yr old gg-to-collapse-anytime-bike....


so we drove of to jrg east while listening to 92.4 fm ... u guys try to tune in to it n u will noe wad songs they play..was damn bored lah..haha.. but wad to do... he listens to tt songs... hahhaa...or rather music... in the car......


convo in th car:

him: knape warna rambut sudah bertukar ?
me: kerane hendak warnekan?
him: wads the reason for doing so?
me: saje je.. kerana sdah lame tk warna kn. u mrh ?
him: (smiles) tidaklah..tk suke je...
me: but then.. dah buat... im sry...
him: wad does it gt to do wif me.. seriously.. its ur hair..
me: i mean i dha tau u tk suke yet u do it.
him: den y tk tink of tt b4 doing it..
me: (silence)
me: but then u pon same.. i said dun nid to buy the car cos tk perlu... but u buy the car jgak..
him: no its different. wad r u trying to say its totally differnt..
me: no its the same wad.. i told u nt to buy the car but u buy the car... same je kn..
him: no..me buying the car has got nothing to do wif u..
me: oh its like tt nw? dah i mls nk gado..
him: since wen kite gado..
me: ok fine bicker....
him: hahah....
me: but then....then y does the color of my hair nows link to u..
him:(smiles) (shook his head)
me: hmmmmph.... den y neva cut ur hair
him: sbab u nye rambut dah lain warna..
me: wad? tkde link sey u.....
him:(smiles)


i noe... the convo tt we have are lyk illogical n gg nowhere..haisho....


tt nyte he said tt he wont talk to me cos of my hair...unreasonable...sheesh...
but nevertheless i cried after hearing tt...ahhaha

ok ok... emotional moment ok..i just cant go on not talking to him at all... i just hav to talk to him if nt once a dae, once in 2-3 daes will oso make my dae..heheh.... oh yarh yest was our 5th meet-up ever since knowing each other for 8 mths now...n it was only after 4 mths tt we meet again since we last met...hahaha.... ok i noe pathetic...but wad to do...haha..he is lyk tt... but i loveit...


redman at j.e.. closed down so we went to sheng shiong..
reach shengshiong... we rushed to find tings... n to him all the tings tt we need to buy have to be in large quantities..( wen i only nid a little amount of it... )

another convo:
him: tu baking powder kat bawah.. tin merah besar...
me: huh? nk uat ape.. i nid the small one je..
him: ok... blh buat basuh baju..
me: (roll my eyes)


haha...den we went off to the carpark..ahha.. tis is wen i feel so0o dumb..

me: eyh..kreta u ade boot?
him: nk tgk? (opens the bonnet/boot)
me: kecik nah..bhe nk masukkan sini..
him..tkyahlah.. kat seat blkg je..
me: eyh cmne nk bukak gi seat blkg... tkde pintu...
him: masuk dari dpan lah....
me: oh gtu.hahaha.... ok...


one of my bimbotic moments..hahahaha..


niwaes evrieone is in it.. n im out of it again.,...ahhaa...

Credits to cuddly_buddy


Hmm.. Where should i begin.. I guess you really don't know how i feel about you.. How i have change for you.. How deeply am i in love towards you.. All this time our love is just a fake?? Those years spent were just a play make up by our feelings..?? I really don't know what to feel or what to say now just have to go through depression mode for awhile..

I really really do care for you.. Do concern for you.. But whats the point when you yourself don't even bother about me.. Don't even care about me.. As if i don't exist.. If only i can show you how my heart shape right now.. The pain i go through every night.. The tears that keep on flowing every night.. The feeling of being not love..

Who do i cry out.. Who do i seek to share my pain.. My agony.. My miserable life with.. If its not for you.. But what are you doing now.. Falling for your ex... Isn't falling for your ex will make you love him in the end..?? I really don't understand you.. What do u seek..?? What do u want to gain..?? What do you accomplish by doing this to me & yourself..?? Do you feel happy treating me this way..?? Do you feel happy by doing all those things towards me..?? Do you..??

You met your ex.. When i was still in love with you.. When you still treat me like we are together.. Why.. Why couldnt you just tell me that you have found someone to make you happy.. To make you smile.. To make you laugh.. Where do i go from here.. I am really lost without you.. All i can do now is cry out my pain.. My suffering in this blog.. In this webpage..

All this time.. I keep questioning myself.. Do you really love me in the first place..?? Do you really cherish me in the first place..?? Shouldn't love be forgiving & accepting one another even though we have done shit or treat each other like hell.. Shouldn't love be beautiful rather then sadness.. Pain & suffering.. Im lonely.. Very lonely without you..

I guess thats all i can say for now cause the story is very long..



This copy pasted post make me wonder... does karma really exist... n does it really happen tt fast.... or rather....things does repeat itself... histories repeat itself... either u r the victim still or the other person becomes the victim... the above post tt i have credited.. really reminded me of wad happen 2 yrs ago.. especially when the blogger wrote all this time our love is just fake?? to think of it..that was wad i said to my ex 2 yrs ago when he told me he likes his god-sister.. n i told him u cannt like someone when u love someone else n wen u start liking d person u will love d person... i guess wadeva i said to my ex 2 yrs ago is the same as wadeva tis blogger is saying... i guess things does happen...



as for me..nw currently werking..but prolly changing job...haiz... nt sure yet..

love life... still suuckz..hahahahah im a 'love-maker' but i am not a 'love-lover'..

hahha....


will update again soon...